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Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

The Blonde And Automobile Dimmer Switches

STATE OF OHIO DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE 451 HIGH STREET George Voinovich COLUMBUS, OH 43210 Ralph G. Pacheco Governor Phone (614) 445-8627 Director FAX (614) 445-3225 BULLETIN NO. 91-92 ------------------ DATE: January 7, 1992 TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion. Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle. Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date. It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Night-time Highway Traffic Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that 96% of all Ohio night time highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel........

One Liner Food Jokes

What happens when you tell an egg a joke? It cracks up! ========================================== Did you hear the joke about the watermelon? It's pit-iful! ========================================== What is the best day to have a cookout? Friday! ========================================== What is red and goes up and down? A tomato in an elevator! ========================================== How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch! ========================================== What happens when you sit on a grape? It gives a little whine! ========================================= What is Noah's favorite fruit? Pears (pairs)! ========================================== What did the pork chop say to the steak? Nice to meat you! ========================================== What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers! ========================================== What do peases, beanses and soupses come in? Kansas! ========================================== What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? No thanks, I'm stuffed! ========================================== How does a molded fruit-flavored dessert answer the phone? Jell-o! ========================================== How do you tease fruit? Banananananananana! ========================================== What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on its summer vacation! ========================================== When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon! ========================================== What fruit was a great conqueror? Alexander the Grape! ========================================== How do you make a milkshake? Creep up behind a cow and say BOO! ========================================== Where was the first donut made? In Grease! ========================================== What kind of bean doesn't grow in a garden? A human bean! ========================================== How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches! ========================================== Why don't they serve chocolate in prison? Because it makes you break out! ========================================== What do you call artificial spaghetti? Mockaroni! ========================================== What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school? He has a lot of ketchup time! ========================================== Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job? He couldn't concentrate! ========================================= How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste! ========================================== Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam! ========================================== Why did the baby cookie cry? Because his mom was a wafer so long! ========================================== What did the macaroni say to the tomato? Don't get saucy with me! ========================================== How do you make a strawberry shake? Take it to a scary movie! ========================================== Why are cooks mean? Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream! ========================================== What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty! ========================================== What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg! ========================================== If a carrot & a cabbage ran a race, who would win? The cabbage, because it is a head! ========================================== How do you turn soup into gold? Put 14 carrots in it! ========================================== Why can't the magician tell his magic secrets in the garden? The corn has ears & the potatoes have eyes! ========================================== What candy lives in outer space? The Milky Way! ========================================== Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing! ========================================== What is blue and goes up and down? A blueberry in an elevator! ========================================== What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef! ========================================== Why doesn't the corn like the farmer? Because he picks their ears! ========================================== What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! ========================================== What type of cheese do dogs like on their pizza? Mutts-erella! ========================================== What is yellow and goes click-click? A ballpoint banana! ========================================== What type of fruit steals honey? Yogi Pear! ========================================== What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria? A stomach-cake! ========================================== What goes up a fruit and comes down a vegetable? A tomato...throw it up and it comes down a squash! ========================================== What did the momma cookie say when her baby got run over? Oh Crumbs! ========================================== What do you eat at a church supper? Hymn-burgers! ========================================== Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy! ========================================== What kind of lettuce did they serve on The Titanic? Iceberg! ========================================== How did Ronald McDonald celebrate his engagement to Wendy? He gave her an onion ring! ========================================== What is green with red spots? A pickle with measles! ========================================== Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? Because he ran out of juice! ========================================== A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened? The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup! ========================================== Why did the tomato get by the car? It couldn't ketchup! ========================================== Why did the boy close the refrigerator door? He didn't want to see the salad dressing! ========================================== What do you call two banana peels? A pair of slippers!

10 Differences Between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

18 goes into 54

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Nasa And the Lawyer

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

A Better Magic Trick

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a million times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion. Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared. For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking. Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

101 Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night

1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today 12. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth... 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. I want a baby! 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. 50. You're almost as good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53. You look younger than you feel. 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60. What tampon? 61. Have you ever considered liposuction? 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a confession... 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72. Did you come yet, dear? 73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75. Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?) 80. When would you like to meet my parents? 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...Woman: Yourself? 82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'? 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'. 93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash! 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95. Is this a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'? 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

"Head and Shoulders"

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. he brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"